“Captain Atheismo, give me your report on the War on Christmas.”
Yes, Your Eternal Nastiness. This Powerpoint shows highlights of this season’s initiatives:
- The Yiddish Brigade successfully decoupled Hannukah from December, drawing an estimated 100,000,000 American Jews out of the festivities.
- Our Moslem allies have so well established Sharia as the law of the land that Allah has become more popular than Jesus in 39 states and the District of Columbia by an average of 14.5 percentage points nationwide.
- The Fox Shock Troops have instilled fear throughout all remaining true Christians. In a recent survey, 92% cited “fear of retribution by neighbors” as the primary reason for no longer openly celebrating or acknowledging their so-called faith.
Additional results are most gratifying:
- Christmas music is not heard in any stores catering to the general public
- Gift buying, Christmas card sales, and UPS deliveries are all down to Depression-era levels
- Vast forests of Christmas trees remain uncut this year
- Churches and homes have been successfully prevented from applying both interior and exterior decorations.
In sum, Your Holy Terrorship, Operation Kill Christmas has nearly entirely suppressed the holiday in 2013. Next year should be a simple mopping-up operation.
“Excellent report, Captain. You’ve done your work well. Eggnog?”